An Invitation

I've been overflowing with sneaky anxiety since this month began. Panic attacks in traffic, dry heaves for no reason and waking up with a racing heart for what I'm guessing are nightmares but vanish the moment I open my eyes.  I stood in line at the grocery store on Thursday night, reading an article about grief and loss, and sobbed onto phone screen.

Everything affects me right now.  I'm super touchy, I'm taking everything personally, I'm worried about every...little...thing.  I run to my car at the end of my work day because I can't hold it all in anymore and I just want to be in my car so I can cry without making everyone around me uncomfortable.

We are 1 week away from Lillian Angeline's one year birthday/anniversary of her death.  I am holding on by a thread.

There is at once so so very much I want to say and yet I can't organize my racing thoughts enough to make any sort of sense about any of it.  I've attempted six times today to sit down and write a blog post, and I just couldn't get through it.

Instead, I will extend an invitation...a couple of them:

Next Sunday, on our daughter Lillian's first birthday we will be celebrating her and remembering her. I invite anyone reading this post to partake in any of the following, and I do mean anyone. Maybe you read this blog but you've never met me, maybe you're part of the group therapy I was part of for the better part of the last year, maybe we're very close friends and you've been with me and Jason each step of the most horrible year of our lives, maybe you're an acquaintance that knew what we've gone through and have followed along as we've tried to make it through; maybe we know each other and you've not said a word because you have no idea what to say, (it's okay btw, there's nothing perfect to say), maybe we used to be close friends, but we haven't seen each other, but you've followed along on social media...however we know each other...I invite you to any and all of the following:

On Sunday, July 30th, at 12:00 pm we will be visiting Lillian Angeline's gravesite at All Saints Cemetery in Des Plaines, IL. Lillian is buried in the baby section, very close to the cemetery road.  If we are still there, look for Jason's orange car.  We will likely stay for about an hour.  That's typically as long as I can handle being there.

When we leave the cemetery we will head to Montrose Harbor, the actual harbor part, not the beach, drive through the harbor drive until you see a huge bunch of pink and purple balloons.  We will be there, hopefully with some friends and definitely some family members.  Share in us remembering our beautiful daughter Lillian.  We invite you to write a message in her honor, write words of love or peace or wisdom, write something that you need to release; write whatever's on your heart, then tie the message to a balloon.  We will release all the balloons together before sunset.  If I can get it together enough, we'll have refreshments and some food, bbq/picnic-style.  Bring anything you'd like.

If you can't see us in person, please purchase a bouquet of lilies and place them in the most beautiful, sun-drenched area of your home and take a picture of them and tag me and tag Jason on social media, in memory of Lillian Angeline.

Thank you.  Hopefully, we'll see you next Sunday.

***UPDATE 7/25:  Because I wasn't thinking clearly when deciding what to do to commemorate my daughter's life; I didn't think about the fact that balloons are the often the culprit of ending the lives of innocent animals. SO...because Sunday July 30th is a day I'd like to not add to the ending of lives but rather celebrate the life of our Lillian, we will not be releasing balloons, but will rather be utilizing "Flying Wish Paper", where you can write your thought or message, and then you light it, and it flies up into the ether and it burns away in the air.  Also feel free to bring lillies and to scatter the petals in the water nearby along with a loving thought or wish. Still at the harbor, still after the cemetery.

Also:  All children are absolutely, 100% welcome at our memorial celebration of Lillian Angeline, do NOT feel like your children make us sad.  That couldn't be farther from the truth; your children bring us joy, and would have all been friends with Lily; so please know they're included in this invite.

I don't need a headcount, I don't want rsvp's. Make it if you can, if not, it's really okay. This is mostly for myself and Jason, but we're including our whole nucleus of people because we love you.

Okay...that should do it.