My Year With Lily

I've been dreading this coming weekend, (Christmas weekend).  I have not at all been looking forward to remembering that last Christmas I was about to announce to our family that we were expecting.  I haven't wanted to remember, that what I hoped to be doing this Christmas with my daughter, would no longer be happening.  First pics with Santa, first Christmas dress, first Christmas morning with mommy and daddy.  I forced myself to put up our tree this year, we forced ourselves. We forced ourselves to decorate our house.  We did all of it halfheartedly; and now that the weekend is here, it's harder than I can ever explain.  My tree is full of ornaments, but I look at it and it's still empty to me. I look underneath it, and I just see a tree skirt.  Instead we placed a Christmas wreath onto her grave.  I have less than zero desire to be merry.

Now, with all of that said, I need you all to know that there is something that you will never ever catch me saying:  that "2016 was the worst year of our lives", or "I'm so happy it's over".  I can't ever say that.  I won't ever say that.  I won't ever say that simply because 2016 was the year I became Lillian's mommy and to wish it be forgotten is to forget Lily, to declare it "terrible" is to declare my daughter "terrible".  Yes, her death was absolutely terrible; but I will never, ever...for the rest of the days I have on this earth ever say that 2016 was a "bad year".  I became a mother in 2016.  Lillian Angeline died yes, but she was born and she made me a mommy.  Lillian Angeline was way way way more than her death.

I LOVED being pregnant, and I was pregnant for most of 2016, so no...I do NOT want to forget 2016.  2016 was a transformative year for me, and I will never look back on it in a bad way.  I will always look back on 2016 as one of the happiest years of my life.  I will never ever focus on the part of 2016 that my daughter died.  I will focus on the 10 glorious months I carried her, I felt her in my belly, I will focus on the small amount of time I saw her beautiful face once she was born, on how the top of her head smelled, on how soft her cheeks were, on how she actually opened her eyes when I said her name.  How the hell could I ever declare 2016 a terrible year when I was blessed with those things?  I can't.  I won't.  Lillian made me her mommy in 2016, and for that reason alone, I will always cherish 2016, and I'm actually sad that it's ending because the further away 2016 floats away from me, the further away my time with Lily goes; and all I wish is that I could hang onto it...onto her.

2016 wasn't about politicians or the loss of musicians for me.  2016 was my year with Lily...that's all I think of when I reflect on the last 12 months. Out of all of you, I'M the luckiest one.  I was the one that got the longest amount of time with her, I was the one that got to know her personality, (impossible not to do when there's a person growing inside of your body).  2016 was my beautiful year with my beautiful daughter, and I have to focus on that because that's all I've got.

So, I'm tremendously sad right now; and I will be the further we get away from 2016.   My year of Lily is ending, and I just don't want it to.  I just want my baby.