For the last three years near or around this day, I can feel eyes on me. "Is she okay?" "Is she gonna break down?" "What's she doing?" "Is she acting weird", "Is she more angry than usual?" Here's the thing: those aren't questions for me for July 30th. Ask me if I'm okay when I'm randomly standing in a grocery store checkout line and the little girl with her mom in front of me is named Lily. Not July 30th. Ask me when your child that is the same age as Lily hits a new milestone and I see it on social media, ask me if I'm okay then. Not July 30th. It's when Lily's little brother starts doing something new and both Jason and I look at each other, proud of our little guy but there's always something extra in those proud glances. There's always a little bit of sadness too.
It's not July 30th to watch out for. It's every other day of any calendar year that we are here on this earth without our girl. She has not become any less of a member of our family, and we all think of her every single day.
July 30th isn't as sad or as a worrisome day for me as some may think. July 30th isn't the problem. It's all of the other days of the year without her. It's making dinner and sitting down to eat with my family and being profoundly aware that someone else should be sitting there with us. It's going on family vacations and always having a feeling like I'm forgetting something or someone when keeping track of everyone. It's weirdly and accidentally saying "4" when a ticket taker or hostess or someone else that needs the head count for something asks me "how many?" It's seeing your husband on any random day of the year, try to remain strong for his wife and his baby but knowing how much he's struggling too.
So, it's not just today.
I think maybe that first birthday for Lily was probably the worst because I didn't expect the panic that built up beforehand. (It was a lot); but in the subsequent years since then, the emotions are different. The emotions have changed, they've evolved, they've grown and taken shape in such an unexpected way. Maybe it's survival? I'm not sure.
What I do know is that July 30th can never be an all encompassing sad day for me simply because it isn't. July 30th is the day that my daughter was born, and yes July 30th was also the day that we lost her but July 30th is also the day that I became a mother. If you could only be inside my head and my heart to feel how huge that is to me. That on it's own is all I need to look at that day with love and appreciation and deep, deep gratitude. I try to release any negativity surrounding this day because it's a day to be celebrated in my opinion. July 30th changed me and reorganized every one of my priorities. I am Lillian's mommy. I am Declan's mommy. I thank God for that every day. Happy Birthday my sweet sweet girl. Thank you.
