I was waiting to post a new post for a very specific reason. I was waiting until after the second week of March. A very important...milestone.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I woke up at 6:30am to get ready to make it to my doctor's appointment at 7:30am. At 6:30, I was 8 weeks pregnant, and I was expecting a baby that was due on September 9th. At 7:45 am, I was sitting, staring into space in the doctor's office and frantically (but numbly) calling my husband. No heartbeat. Baby stopped "being viable" about a week or so earlier, according to the size measurements.
So friends, I was waiting to post a new post the second week of March because it would be past the "danger zone" of 12 weeks. I was waiting to announce some "rainbow baby" good news. Instead, it is February 15, and I am fresh home from having surgery to "clean" my insides to make it a habitable environment again. We don't know what happened, but I am told, because of my age, it is extremely common. Not at all something that makes us feel any better. We know I'm an "old mom"...but Lillian's successful pregnancy and full term birth...is what gives us hope that it can maybe happen again.
The other reason I know it's extremely common is because, (as I've mentioned before), I'm in ALL of the therapy, including group therapy with other moms of loss. Moms of all kinds of loss. When I started going to that group, I was one of the few with a full term, infant loss and hearing the other mom's stories of various stages of pregnancy loss only scared the crap out of me. I knew, because of that group, all of the things that could possibly go wrong at any stage of a pregnancy. I no longer would have a blissfully happy pregnancy, (if I were to be blessed with another one), and I knew that.
Now, I am part of 2 kinds of clubs. One kind of full term, infant loss and now pregnancy loss. The process for this one, was very different from how we lost Lily. Because this pregnancy was so incredibly early, things were...expedited...(if that makes any sense). I will still receive a death certificate, there is no name on the certificate, but the "baby" will be interred in a catholic cemetery because the hospital I went to is a catholic hospital and they are required to do something with the remains. Strange yes, but oddly comforting.
So friends, I was wrestling with if I should say anything here on my blog about this; I was thinking it might be too much, but then I remembered that one of my priorities in writing this is to be transparent about everything, and to stay grounded in honesty and courage. Talking about loss (in any way), makes it less of a taboo for other moms and dads of loss; so I decided to tell everyone; if only so that it sends the message "you are NOT alone...at all, and it's okay to feel what you're feeling...your baby is not a taboo thing. Your baby was your baby. Bottom line."
I have an old friend that when I was in my early 20's had many heartbreaking miscarriages like this one, and I remember consoling her, and hugging her and listening; and I remember one day saying to her, "...you know, when you get to heaven you're just going to be surrounded by all of your babies, it's going to be such a wonderful greeting and such a wonderful all encompassing moment of love." How the hell did I know what I was talking about? I was a child myself...but somehow those words today, make me feel comforted. I also get to think about the fact that Lillian has her sibling with her now.
I don't have words to explain exactly how Jason and I are doing; as I think we're both sorting it all out ourselves. I can't even say we're shellshocked...it's almost as if we're just numb. There isn't a way to explain it, at least not right now.
"The good news is that you can get pregnant all on your own", is a phrase I've heard more times in the last two days than I can explain. I know it's meant to console us; and I do really appreciate it, and I AM thankful for that ability, but right now, today, I can't really absorb that thought. Today, I just feel beaten down. Disappointed.
The group I'm part of didn't even know I was expecting again, (I only told 1 participant, as I knew she'd understand my trepidation in telling people because of her very unique story), and I was waiting for that 12 week milestone. Hell, I was even contemplating not telling anyone until I couldn't hide it physically anymore.
I guess I have a lot to talk about in group next week.
So for those moms and dads out there that have experienced multiple loss; I see you, I feel you, I am sorry for your loss. You are most certainly not alone and I send you all of my love and all of my support. None of us are supposed to get through any of this by ourselves. Keep talking about it, never be ashamed. I stand with you.
